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Soul survivor

In an all-out campaign to body surf the current tidal wave of television verité while spinning his own florid thespian lifestyle into show-biz gold, The Gay Blade has been hard at work cogitating a reality-television series he can sell to a major network (or maybe UPN).

While Fox, QVC and the Cooking Channel all passed on his first concept – inexplicably deeming “Who Wants a Same-Sex Commitment Ceremony with an Indigent Mac-Industry Pundit” too narrow in its audience appeal – this ex-implement is pretty sure he’s got a winner on his hirsute palms this time around.

Picture this: A group of high-tech gossip columnists are airlifted onto a traffic island in the middle of Southern California’s teeming Santa Monica Freeway, armed only with a crate of Olestra-powered snack foods, a carton of Gauloises Blondes and an industrial-strength espresso machine.

One by one, sheer physical dissipation and the utter lack of restroom facilities force the participants to try their luck against the oncoming traffic. The sole survivor of this (literal) purge is pulled out; hosed off; and rewarded with an open tab at mid-Manhattan’s CVS Pharmacy, a tony pharmacopia of candy-colored, over-the-counter cocktails where the elite meet to tweak.

Given his own reputation for surviving corporate predations his monumental, cast-iron gut; and his Saharan thirst for pseudoephedrine, the Blade is confident it’ll be his wobbly victory lap that leaves a steaming treasure trail around Hollywood’s seats of power. Bottoms up, and don’t skimp on the moist towelettes!

Chips are down

Speaking of pungent ensemble productions, the Blade continues to hear intriguing rumblings about Apple’s plans for multiprocessor Macs in the coming months.

Now, anybody who’s anybody is aware that the Mac maker has made its multiprocessor intentions abundantly clear when it comes to its PowerPC G4-based desktop systems, and it doesn’t take the Blade’s hard-won A.A. degree in rocket science to speculate that the first dual-processor box, code-named Mystic, may well make its debut at this month’s Macworld Expo/New York or August’s Seybold confab in San Francisco.

Meanwhile, however, some of the Blade’s drinking buddies have posited a far more aberrant scenario allegedly unfolding deep in the bowels of the Cupertino campus. It’s probably just the morning glory Jell-O shooters talking; according to legend, however, Apple’s hardware engineers are seeking creative new avenues for wringing multiprocessor performance from the PowerPC G3, long regarded as a confirmed solo act.

The rationale? Consider G4 maker Motorola’s spotty track record when it comes to delivering chips in sufficient quantities and at adequate speeds to feed Apple’s insatiable product lines; Apple execs are anxious to consider any scenario that will unshackle the company’s fortunes from Moto’s ability to get it up, performance- and production-wise.

Don’t count the G4 out yet: Motorola has apparently made admirable efforts in recent months to mend fences with the Cupertino regime and estranged PowerPC partner IBM Corp. is delivering its own versions of the AltiVec-a-licious G4s. Nevertheless, the MP G3 scheme represents a potential failsafe when it comes to delivering high-performance systems based on IBM’s lower-cost, rapidly accelerating chips, which have already outstripped the G4 in terms of clock speed. Godspeed!

Channeling the Force

While Cupertino’s plumbers continue to snake out the inner workings of the G3, however, some lucky test sites have already gotten their hands on honest-to-goodness MP Power Mac G4 systems.

Appropriately, one launching pad for this futuristic hardware is Lucasfilm Ltd., the San Rafael, Calif., film-production company and Industrial Light & Magic parent, whose close ties with Steve Jobs’ Apple already manifested itself in the QuickTime promo blitz for “Star Wars: Episode One.”

According to high-pitched pidgin gibbering from the Blade’s squeaky-voiced battalion of animatronic Gungans, Lucasfilm is already wreaking its distinctive brand movie magic with prototype Power Macs featuring four – count ’em, four! – G4 processors. Hmm ... disen loverly!

Is embarrassin’ ... But, uhy, my afraid my been banished. My forgotten ... der bosses will do terribul tings to me ... TERRIBUL tings to me if me goin’ back dere! Fortunately, the Blade is happily ensconced at The NMR Report. Drop him a line, and a signature-edition mole rat could be yours!

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