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Survival of the WEAKest

March 10, 2001

Oh, the humanity!

Good thing The Gay Blade keeps his Naughty Nurse costume handy for just such an occasion: Last week's magnitude 6.9 temblor rolling out of Cupertino, Calif., finally succeeded in flattening the long-neglected editorial edifice that this utensil once called home and bringing a gaggle of coughing, disoriented Mac loyalists to the Blade's ermine-lined doorstep.

Between dressing wounds opened by falling chunks of worm-eaten plaster and flying bat guano and soothing pulmonary damage inflicted by the unbelievable cloud of swamp gas that billowed from the structure in the moments before its collapse, this mincing medical instrument's immaculately manicured paws are as full as the burrow's Venetian-marble bedpans.

His fondest hope: that this horrifying act of Jobs will inspire a new wave of philanthropy that helps this worthy institution acquire much-needed rubber goods, restraints and pharmaceuticals before the next Big One hits. Sweet Florence Nightingale in aspic! Now that's a mission of mercy.

Bundle of joy

Speaking of public-spirited expansion plans: According to the Blade's shaggy-legged phalanx of candy stripers, Apple may finally be planning to offer succor to those professional users chafed by the restrictive fit of today's Mac offerings.

Word from the maternity ward is that hardware engineering is currently flexing the forceps in preparation for the arrival of Thing 2, an Apple-branded expansion chassis aimed at opening up the options available to owners of PowerBook G4 laptop and Power Mac G4 desktop systems.

While the ultrasound remains ambiguous on the precise features of this new addition to Apple's line, the Blade is betting Thing 2 will pop out in late summer – around the same time as Onyx, a planned tuneup to the Titanium PowerBook.

Got some salt to contribute to Apple's wounds? Spill to The NMR Report, and a trophy mole rat could be yours!

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