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Get thee behind me, Apple!

June 15, 2001

As a lifelong student of comparative religions (particularly those involving electric cactus buttons and whip-dancing), The Gay Blade has followed with interest a recent account – picked up by As the Apple Turns and other worthy media organs – of the recent contretemps between Apple and the Church of Satan.

A quick recap for platform agnostics in the audience: Incensed by the church’s decision to join the thousands of Web sites, secular and non-, bearing a "Made with Macintosh" badge, a coven of Apple lawyers rained fire and brimstone on the hapless parishioners. Their claim: The badge's presence on the CoS site was "likely to tarnish the goodwill associated with the APPLE Marks."

Holy hell! This company has come a long, long way from that first $666 computer.

While this implement would never ding Apple’s honest desire to distance itself from black-clad demagogues (many of them doubtless warped by strange dietary habits and a history of mysticism and substance abuse), his naturally contrarian attitude has compelled the Blade to make his own personal statement of solidarity with the forces of Satan: A "Made with Macintosh" badge is now embroidered firmly to the inseam of his lederhosen, where it will doubtless be enjoyed by a raucous kickline of construction workers, meat packers and other students of the Village People school of machismo.

Of course, Apple’s lawyers are encouraged to come ’n’ get it – the burlier, the better!

Sympathy for the kernel

Speaking of ungodly peeks at hidden places, work continues apace on the first substantial upgrade to Mac OS X. And according to the Blade's cloven-hoofed coterie of illuminati, the efforts to improve the next-generation OS’ performance are finally beginning to bear fruit.

While the Next Big Thing – code-named Puma – is still slower than Mac OS 9.1, they report, even the latest build still spanks the current, Cheetah release with an extra-large pizza paddle.

Window resizing, launching and switching of applications, and other basic biological functions are all far perkier than they were in the March 24 release, they report. Drag and copy operations also fall somewhere into the middle zone between Mac OS 9.1 and Cheetah. Copying 1,000 items in icon view, for example, currently takes about 50 seconds under Puma – far slower than the 10 seconds Mac Os 9.1 requires but a vast improvement over the excruciating 5-minute wait under Cheetah.

Meanwhile, the Mac magisters continue to burn the tapers on both ends in an effort to raise the spirits of the dead: hot-swappable FireWire support; CD burning; and even OpenGL, which seems to have dropped off the dark altar during the current orgy of pre-release finessing.

Pan! Lilith! Naamah! Steve! The Blade raises his chalice to your unholy efforts!

Adagita vau-pa-ahe zodonugonu fa-a-ipe salada! Vi-i-vau el! Sobame ial-pereji i-zoda-zodazod The NMR Report pi-adapehe casarema aberameji ta ta-labo paracaleda qo-ta lores-el-qo turebesa ooge balatohe! Giui cahisa lusada oreri od micalapape cahisa bia ozodonugonu! lape noanu tarofe coresa tage o-quo maninu IA-I-DON. Torezodu! gohe-el, zodacare eca ca-no-quoda! zodameranu micalazado od ozadazodame vaurelar; lape zodir IOIAD!

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