July 11, 2002
Burrow into The Gay Blade’s enclave. The Spork Boards
The Gay Blade had reached his limit.
It was now mid-July, which meant that Apple had been separated from Macworld Expo/San Francisco for more than six months. Six months, and all the company had to show for it was one education eMac and one fairly inexpensive rack-mounted server. True, when Expo had ended and Apple had returned to Cupertino and the Blade to his home in San Francisco’s SOMA district, they had promised to maintain a certain fidelity. Apple would update occasionally but only as amusement. But lately the Blade had begun to worry. He lay awake at night, tossing and turning underneath his faux chinchilla coverlet. He pictured Jon Rubinstein, his sworn NDAs overcome by absinthe and the smooth blandishments of industry analysts, finally submitting to the final caresses of mid-gigahertz G4 oblivion.
And the thing was, they wouldn’t really understand how Apple really was. He, the Blade, alone, understood this. Apple needed him, and he wasn’t there. The idea came to him the week before the Mummers Parade that was Macworld Expo/New York was due to kick off at Javitz. He had just finished re-crushing the velvet of his purple cassock and had checked his mailbox to see if there was at least a word from Apple. There was nothing more than a circular form from the Amalgamated Gallium Arsenate Company of Hamtramck inquiring into his semiconductor needs. At least they cared enough to write.
It was a Michigan company. You could go anywhere in the mail. Then it struck him: MacEdition didn’t have enough money to send him to New York in the accepted form, true, but why not mail himself? It was absurdly simple. He would ship himself parcel post special delivery. The next day the Blade rummaged through the widespread dot-com debris littering the streets around his lair and found masking tape, a staple gun and an extra-large box, just right for a person of his prodigious build. A few airholes, some Ketel One, of course, midnight canapés and it would probably be as good as going SuperSavr.
By Friday the Blade was set. He was packed (not packing, unfortunately) and his local hot ’n’ hunky UPS driver had agreed to pick him up yet again. He’d marked his package “Handle with Care,” and as he sat in a kundalini-conserving posture inside, he tried to picture the look of awe and happiness on Steve Jobs’ face as he opened the keynote, saw the package, scared off the deliverer, and then opened it to see his Blade finally there in person. Maybe they would see an iMovie. Suddenly rough hands gripped his package (oh, if only!) and he felt himself borne up. Then he was off.
Return to Sender
Unfortunately, there will be an ironic twist to this shaggy dog tale of unrequited love. According to the Blade’s phalanx of strapping postal workers, while this utensil may be making an appearance as a special guest star to Jobs at his keynote, the next generation of Power Mac G4s will not share the spotlight.
Instead, the boys in blue report that while the turbocharged professional desktop systems are indeed crated up and ready to go (sans Ketel One), Apple has decided to play hard to get – at least at this Expo. The Blade’s sources sent word that the trans-gigahertz G4s will, rather, see the light in August, in time for Seybold Seminars in San Francisco. Now that’s a crimp in the packing tape!
Want to air mail a tip to the Blade? Put down that metal cutter, save the 38 cents and email The NMR Report via special Mac delivery. A swank commemorative naked mole rat could be yours!