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Seat of Power

August 1, 2002

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Burrow into The Gay Blade’s enclave. The Spork Boards

All praise the redemptive power of seat cushions!

The Gay Blade arrives at this unorthodox benediction by way of a recent emotional nadir: arriving – postage paid and earlocks flying – at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center a scant week too late for his moment of glory on the Macworld Expo keynote stage.

The howling void within the empty conference hall (and the consequent drought of liquid refreshment or Mac-o-licious beefcake) left this utensil in a grand funk, curled fetally in the mighty bronze throne accompanying Mr. Javits’ grinning likeness in the facility’s lobby.

Happily, this gothic mood was broken by the Blade’s discovery of a spare package of lightly salted morning-glory seeds in his breast pocket and a subsequent journey of psychedelic discovery beneath said furniture.

According to the gently swirling topographical map of chewing gum affixed to the well-worn underside of that august structure, the brass at Apple is finally preparing to lay the smack down on users who cling stubbornly to Mac OS 9 instead of venturing into the clear prismatic light of Mac OS X.

While saliva and the loving friction of thousands of hands may have worn some of the microscopic detail from these sacred runes, the Blade gathers that as of January’s Macworld gathering in San Francisco, all new Macs will ship with a software hurdle that prevents them from booting the old-school OS. While the Classic environment will still obtain for them as wants it, Mac OS X will be the point of entry on all new hardware.

The Blade’s spirit guides maintain that this move has long been contemplated by top Apple executives frustrated at the rate of migration and at the sluggishness of a few third-party holdouts in porting their wares. (A recalcitrant Denver creator of publishing software springs readily to mind.)

Indeed, they suggest, Apple came close to enforcing this great leap forward at July’s New York show before cooler heads managed to lengthen the plank. Avast, ye swabbies! Fire on the poop deck! Jim Buckley sleeps with the fishes!

Excuse the Blade while he kisses this guy. You can be next! Drop a Mac tip to The NMR Report, and a freshly bussed souvenir molerat could be yours!

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