VALUABLE BUSINESS PROPOSITION
September 14, 2002
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Burrow into The Gay Blade’s enclave. The Spork Boards
Dear Sir or Madame,
My dear Personal Chum, Mr. Gay Blade (with whom I spent many a Happy Hour in the gutters surrounding Laguna Honda Community College as my small country’s sole Foreign-Exchange Student) has kindly allowed me to occupy this Space as he prepares for his Disney Vacation, the better to inquire discreetly as to your Interest in a Matter of some urgency.
Please allow me honor of introducing myself: My name is Somerset Tradewinds Bongwatta, and I am the Brother-in-Law of Marshall Taylormade Asti-Spumanti. As you may know from your country’s Financial Tabloids, my late Relative by marriage held the position of Chief Secretariat-in-Residence of Apple Computer’s feared Special Operations Unit – that is, until the Month of July, when he was lost to us in a tragic and freakish Incident involving Apple President-for-Life Steve Jobs’ ThinkPad, a Newton MessagePad 2100 and a Large Quantity of Karo syrup.
As a result of this grievous Family Misfortune, I currently find myself in possession of a large Cache of Souvenir Mole Rats bestowed by Mr. Blade for certain unspecified “Favors Rendered.” I am most desirous of transferring these valuable Keepsakes offshore, and I am looking for qualified and trustworthy Partner who can assist me in this Effort in a manner that will be Mutually beneficial.
To facilitate this Exchange, Mr. Blade has Authorized me to use his Personal In Box to solicit your Aid, to wit: If you would generously submit (in all Confidence) any unused Information you may have in your Possession about my luckless Brother-in-Law’s former Company or its Products, I will authorize my Solicitor to deliver one of aforementioned Rats to the Mailing Address of your specification.
FURTHER COLLATERAL
As a Token of my good faith in this Matter, permit me the Honor of presenting you with a small Gem from the lamented Mr. Asti-Spumanti’s Estate: details of a Secret Development Effort between Apple and a firm known as International Business Machines to create the CPUs that will power a Future Generation of Macintosh Computers.
In recent days, certain Reports to an Apple developer list purported to report Remarks from IBM Engineering Manager that Apple had rejected a Scheme to replace Motorola’s ill-starred PowerPC G4 with a Desktop Version of IBM’s 64-bit Power4 chip that has been enriched with Altivec Vector-Processing Technology.
With all due respect, I must tell you that this Notion is a Tissue of Lies of the most Unspeakable Brazenness: Despite what untutored Nay-sayers may claim, Apple and IBM are indeed working closely on this excellent Chip.
The heretofore-unspoken name of IBM’s G4 Replacement is GPUL (short for GigaProcessor UltraLite). It is Multi-core, 64-bit Microprocessor that supports Vector/SIMD Multimedia eXtension (VMX), the generic Title for the Technologies comprising Altivec (a k a Velocity Engine).
This Most Worthy CPU also being fine-tuned to work with the Apple Processor Interconnect bus (ApplePI), Apple’s Replacement for the venerable MaxBus. Mac OS X is already booting happily on Prototype Units. And contrary to the scandalous Poppycock mouthed by some Detractors, Emissaries from IBM have visited Apple Headquarters in recent weeks to apprise them of the progress of engineering GPUL for the illustrious Mac Architecture.
As to the Timeline for Delivery of this Powerful new Weapon: Alas, GPUL does not appear to be in the Cards for January’s Generation of Apple Systems. IBM had Mac OS X running on GPUL by November 2001, was delivering Prototypes to Apple by March of this Year, and was testing prototype Mac Hardware Systems and core Apple Application Software by April. Nevertheless, GPUL not scheduled to be delivered – even to Apple and other Worthy OEM Partners – until later in 2003, meaning that January’s announced end of the line for Mac OS 9 booting will not coincide with the Brave New World of 64-bit Macs.
For obvious reasons, please keep this Correspondence confidential. However, if you require Proof of its Authenticity, you may wish to submit an inquiry to Jonathan Rubinstein, Avadis Tevanian or Philip Schiller, or simply contact The NMR Report directly. Thank you for your Kindly Ministrations, and may God Bless You!