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Technicolor pu pu platter

October 14, 2002

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Burrow into The Gay Blade’s enclave. The Spork Boards

Puffy white hat straining against his glistening pink scalp; ruffled leatherette “Spank the Chef” apron girdling his magnificent gut; wreathed in plumes of acrid smoke and pungent steam; and waving a variety of exotic, razor-edged implements with alarming panache; The Gay Blade continues to slice, dice, sear, saute, simmer, fold, spindle and mutilate a bewildering assortment of tasty (and potentially toxic) dainties for the burrow’s forthcoming Samhain festivities.

Now that the marinated Camelus bactrianus has been adorned with enormous paper booties, wrapped in coca leaves and interred in its capacious imu for the next three weeks, the Blade has turned his attention to some of the smaller amuse-gueules awaiting his tender ministrations.

Jai guru deva om

First up, a multi-culti namas bow to la nouvelle cuisine: a rhinestone-studded chafing dish of polenta-Jimson-weed samosas in honor of Quark Inc.’s latest overtures toward the Indian subcontinent.

Regular visitors to this subterranean take-out joint have already had more than one taste of the (arguably) Denver-based DTP vendor’s efforts to cut costs by moving the bulk of its software development operation from the Rockies to the Ganges. Now, the Blade’s lissome yoga instructors report, the company will pull the same tatti with its feckless tech-support operation.

According to these double-jointed adepts, Quark last week informed employees that as of Dec. 13, all of the company’s phone, online and ServicePlus support operations will be transferred to India, and the whole Denver support crew will be laid off.

The Blade timidly suggests that in the interim, Quark customers drastically lower any expectations of “service with a smile” and focus their attention on boning up on their Hindi. Hum Tum Jaane Kahan?

Video killed the commission

Next, a blast from the past: a case of Mandarin-style Swanson’s TV dinners that was placed in a Kalamazoo, Mich., deep freeze during the salad days of the Johnson Administration, where it lay, forgotten, in a foot-thick rime of artificial frost before being chiseled free from its icy grave by a stray archaeological team and promptly posted on eBay – to the Blade’s lip-smacking glee.

This utensil offers up these foil-shrouded relics of the Space Age to commemorate another small shock to the high-tech work force: recent sub rosa downsizing within Apple’s freshly minted sales channel for VARs in the professional video market. High-tech Willy Lomans report that Apple’s noble experiment in creating its first new sales channel in decades has hit the horse latitudes (despite the company’s recent fluorescence of tasty video software), and most of the operation’s field reps jumped the shark this month. Always be closing!

Thirty-five-year-old eggroll may not strike your fancy, but a chubby naked mole rat is truly nature’s candy! Expectorate a Mac-industry tip to The NMR Report, and a savory mammalian keepsake could be yours!

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