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Rites of Spring

April 7, 2003

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Burrow into The Gay Blade’s enclave. The Spork Boards

Hairy arm-wattles flapping noisily against his leather apron; sweat-soaked paisley do-rag adorning his pink scalp in unconscious homage to the sartorial stylings of the immortal Butterfly McQueen's Prissy; a miasma of common household cleansers providing both a near-visible counterpoint to his efforts and a much-needed boost to his spirits; The Gay Blade has thrown himself into spring cleaning with the demonic glee of a tightly corseted Donald Rumsfeld crushing a peeping tankful of baby chicks with red patent-leather Beatle boots.

Now that his abortive South Seas hajj has drawn to an ignominious end, the Blade is anxious to return his SoMa burrow to what passes for normalcy after a hasty departure and a five-month absence: scraping a furry archipelago of artichoke dip from the Chippendale examining table and an eruption of candle wax from the harpsichord, polishing the putti to a low gloss, stacking flyblown eight-tracks into towers worthy of Le Corbusier ... The Blade is doing the Texas two-step with Mr. Clean, and Janitor in a Drum is keeping time!

Time to Market

Speaking of unholy three-ways: The intersection of Ellis, Stockton and Market streets in downtown San Francisco will apparently become a Mac mecca within the next 16 months. According to the Blade's local Fuller Brush representative, a local architectural firm has signed a contract with Apple to gut and refurbish the current Sephora outlet at that location and create a monster, monster Apple store that dwarfs even the mighty model in New York's SoHo neighborhood.

The Blade's buddy waxes lyrical about the new official Mac Party organ, which will feature its very own entrance to the Powell St. Muni Metro and BART station. (In apparent homage to one of Steve Jobs' notorious alleged job-interview questions, that location faces the Market St. Virgin Megastore.) He reports that the huge building—perhaps twice the size of the SoHo Apple Store—will be dramatically overhauled to take full advantage of its prime location and airy architecture. Among the notable features, the store will be covered with titanium-colored, porous metal plates that allow light to pass through and a single gigantic, white Apple logo.

Sha-boing! The Blade's bedroll is already unfurling in preparation for opening day.

Ready to come clean? Drop a Mac-industry tip c/o the NMR Report, and a hand-sanitized naked mole rat could be yours!

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